Sometimes I forget where I am presently and how I got here.
I forget that I am a psychic,
I forget I am a medium,
I forget I am a healer.
I like forgetting sometimes.
There are times I ignore it all and drive along my road without a thought of where I am, where I was, where I am heading, and how I got on the road in the first place.
It is actually easier to forget, quieter, less stressful, less demanding than notice the road I am traveling on.
This happened to me last Sunday when one of my most fabulous friends and I were heading to Chatham to put the finishing touches on what I lovingly refer to as my "Spirit Studio."
As we casually drifted over the mountain from MA to NY, we happily chatted about our families, our jobs, our friends, our plans, football, and hypnosis.
I mentioned that I took a hypnosis course to help people get into a quieter state while treating them using Emotional Freedom Techniques, EFT for short, for pain relief, PTSD, weight loss, etc.
She laughed out loud and exclaimed, "Is there anything you can't do?!"
I giggled back and said, "plenty."
After a moment or two she pensively turned towards me and said, "no, really, is there anything you can't do?"
The thoughtfulness of her words, coupled with the softer tone of her voice, made me pause and rethink her question.
Again, I responded as I had the first time she asked with "plenty" and I meant it.
I can't settle into who I am.
I can't be comfortable with what I do.
I can't explain what I see.
I can't vocalize what I hear without my voice quivering.
I can't stop my heart from racing before each client walks through my door.
I can't seem to keep my eyes dry when I hear a loved one tell my client they love them and miss them.
I can't not react to the seesaw of emotions of my clients during a session.
I can't control the pain in my body when my "friends" on the other side show me how or what they have died from.
If your loved one smoked, I would cough.
If your loved one suffered, I will for a moment too.
If they saw it, I see it. If it mattered to them, it matters to me.
I can't always turn it off, but I am learning to dim it down.
I can't stop yearning to help, to be better, to be "good" or "right" or "legitimate."
I can't do a lot,
There is plenty I can't do, but what I can do is continue following the road I've been detoured on.
Being a Medium, better yet, admitting to being a Medium is not a road I found on a map and decided to sightsee on.
As a matter of fact, I wasn't even aware I was a Medium until I got a phone call from a potential client asking me for a psychic reading because one of her friends got a "reading" from me during one of her massages.
Of course I laughed it away questioning Bonnie, "What is she thinking? I am not a Medium!"
Oh, I dabbled in tarot as a teenager and young adult.
I prided myself on "knowing" before others and I even knew I was psychic my entire life.
Of course now I know we all are, but for a bit, I was "special."
Being a Medium, that is a whole lot different than tossing a card or two on a table in front of a living person and playing the psychic game.
Being a Medium is a deep, often lonely transformation from ego to soul in which I could not have prepared myself for had I been told what was happening.
Thankfully, for me at least, it was a slow process.
I would tell people what I saw while I massaged them not really knowing what I was doing other than being the chatterbox I am known to be.
I would see a photo in my head and talk about it.
Hear a few words and ask questions about it.
My jaw would ache if I didn't say anything or I would drool.
Yup, drool on the client lying on the table....not good for business.
Eventually I realized I had to come clean with what I saw or wear a bib for the rest of my life. I hate bibs.
That first phone call was the catalyst that put me in the passenger seat of the Universe's Prius on a blindingly bright road without a seat belt.
A journey of healing, love, upliftment, sadness, fear, confusion and in the end gratitude.
This ride I may never be able to understand and will always be slightly afraid of.
Who am I fooling, terrified of.
A yearning to be more than who I am, to be more than who I dream I can be, and to hold onto a light that if I look too closely into, may absorb me completely.
An easier road is where I was found, but this road is where I belong.
Travelling any other road, the road not travelled, is something else I can't do, but that I can be ok with.
Sometimes rooms are spooky.
Even in our own homes, in the middle of the night, or first thing in the morning, during a thunderstorm, snowstorm, power outage, our own home can give us a feeling of unease.
As children, we imagine all sorts of funky and wild things happening under our beds and in our closets.
As adults it is no different, we get spooked, and our hair raises, our hearts beat wildly, our breathing becomes quickened, we go into defense mode.
We offer a quick prayer and usually, for me at least, a prompt promise to Heaven above "God, If you save my ass right now, I will ......."
I tend to get a little extreme when I am frightened, so my promises are really, really big.
Being in this state can last a moment or a million moments, and as time tends to stand still when our fear is heightened, it really doesn't matter.
We are spooked, we are defensive, we are sweating, and we do not see the whole picture.
Until of course, we turn on the lights.
Bright, beautiful, blinding light illuminating our surroundings, dissolving our fears.
Just like that, a flip of a switch and some sort of wire voodoo in the walls of our home bring us back to the reality that we are indeed safe and just a little bit foolish for allowing our imaginations get the better of us.
Dreams, desires, wants, hopes, chances, personal needs....these are our spooky rooms.
Our hopes and dreams, our deepest desires, the longings of purpose can send our hearts racing and palms sweating.
We take that first step into our dream and immediately feel the ground soften under our feet, thinking it is quicksand we jump right the hell out of it and run to safety before realizing it is perfected, rich and fertile soil to grow in.
We open the door to our desires and hear the boogeyman growl, so we immediately slam it shut before realizing it is our own voice telling us to stay safe, stay small, stay complacent.
We long for something...anything.....yet we don't stop doing what we don't love to know what we do love.
We conform to the world around us instead of creating the world we choose to live in.
We keep busy to keep safe.
We talk about everything that matters little and look for guidance and wisdom from others, from outside of us rather than allowing ourselves to emerge as the wise warriors we genuinely are.
We allow ourselves little freedom by living under conditions we have grown accustomed to without any real thought as to why. We live in spooky rooms.
We live as we have learned.
We are who we think we should be based on our human thoughts, rather than what we really are.
We live in wooden homes with contained elements that turn on and off with the flip of a switch.
We allow ourselves to dream only in our sleep and if we find ourselves frightened, we flip a switch to illuminate the room to erase our fears, and we go back to our beds and dream of living.
We live in spooky rooms.
But we don't have to.
We can use our imagination and our fears to raise us out of our sleepy, fearful life.
We can LIVE with our feet touching the earth knowing it is soft for our users to grow our own gardens, and our souls can awaken our ego to the beauty of Mother Nature and all of her glory.
We do not need to live in spooky rooms when we have the sun to warm us and the moon to guide us.
We don't need to switch on a light for illumination, we are the light in which we seek.
Listen to the fear when you open the door..what is it saying?
Why is it saying it?
Don't slam the door, jump into it!
Complacency and mediocrity are our bogeymen, shut them out, not life.
We can be free of the spooky room we have created to keep us safe by living on the edge of our comfort zones.
When something sparks us, feel it.
When we hear a voice, listen to it, when we are scared, ask why.
When we are shaky about our next step, embrace it!
Allow the sun to feed our bodies during the day and the moon to guide our souls dreams at night.
When we are shaky about our next step, embrace it!
The soil of our life is supposed to be dark, creamy, soft, wet, and easily pliable.
Without great soil, the sun, and the moon how else would we bloom?