Supposed to's and should haves
It has been a very long time since I allowed myself to type out my thoughts and look at them in black and white.
You see, this has been a summer of sorrows and sadness' for me and when I get too sad, too emotional, too angry, too shaken, I turn to the "supposed to's and should have's" as an escape route rather than acceptance of how life works and why it does so.
In May, I had it going on.
I bought a new house, decided to take a few more hours off of my massage practice to devote to my spiritual practice.
I added more hours to my medium-ship work and became a rehab addict to my 1910 side hall colonial.
Finally, the past 3 years of upheaval were making sense and calm was coming for a visit.
At least that was what was supposed to happen.
What should have happened.
Instead, once again, life did what life does. It's own thing.
"Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans." ~ Lennon
My calm and quiet life dream were quickly shattered by the death of one of my client turned friend.
She was at the peak of her life. 29 years old, married, great job, nice house, first baby on the way.
We talked weekly during her massage appointments about how she saw her life in the future.
What should have been and what was supposed to be.
She was going to have her son, already named Emmitt, at the end of June.
She and her husband were going to raise him to be strong, bold, courageous, brilliant and above all else, loved.
She had it all planned.
Life chose another route.
Emmitt was to be raised by his father alone.
His mother passed 5 hours after his birth.
For weeks, months, (even today), I cried out in anguish to all who were within earshot, on earth or on the other side, "This shouldn't have happened"! "She was supposed to raise her son!" "This is not the way it is supposed to be!"
Grieving became my new normal.
I was being forced to relive the death of my own mother, as she too died after child birth, My friend's death tore open years of carefully placed, stacked, stored and locked memories and feelings which were supposed to stay that way.
"I shouldn't have to deal with this again."
"But you are"
"But I'm not!"
And I didn't.
I stopped thinking about it.
I stopped meditating as that only made me go deeper into my feelings.
I stopped my Spiritual practice as that only made me question my guides and helpers and I didn't like what their answers were.
I stopped working on my mediumship and took lots of time off from my massage practice.
I stopped writing and I stopped talking with God.
I lived from my ego, not from my soul.
I began drying up inside.
I cleaned and re-cleaned, rehabbed much of the house, spent money on furnishings, bitched about the government (still do and will continue), and found fault with everything and everyone around me.
I made sure to stop living lightly.
I made sure to dig in deep and push my anger into my relationship with Tim.
We fought like we did during our divorce stage.
We stopped working well together. In reality, he was working with me, I wasn't working with him. I was not going to allow myself to be happy, and he was the first to be reminded of that.
I stopped feeling.
I stopped the easy flow of life and constructed my own barriers.
That is what you are supposed to do when things aren't going the way they should.
"Only if you choose to behave that way."
"You could easily choose to have faith that there are no should haves and supposed to's" "You are so tender, so young in spirit, wise in years, yet your anger diminishes you. You force this anger into your heart. Your heart does not accept this. Your soul rejects this. You use this anger inappropriately. Anger is a tool for growth, not destruction."
I heard this over and over again but refused to budge.
It wasn't supposed to happen.
Soon everything in my life began and ended with should have and supposed to.
Paige should have called today. It's Tuesday, she knows I am home on Tuesday's.
Alex was supposed to be home tonight. I cooked his favorite meal.
I was supposed to have that painted by now. I told Tim I wanted that done.
My friends should understand me by now. I need breathing room.
I suppose I should have meditated today. I am a Medium. I'm supposed to be spiritual.
My life is supposed to be easier. Life is supposed to be simple.
You name it, I supposed and should have'd it to death.
Then came more indignation.
I stopped hearing with the ears behind my ears, seeing with the eyes behind my eyes and feeling with the heart behind my heart.
I deliberately ignored who I was, what I believed, and what I knew to be my truth.
I, in essence, chose my ego over my soul because, in my grief, that was what
I was supposed to do. Isn't that how we deal with pain?
Don't we let our ego protect us from our feelings?
From our memories?
From our growing pains?
"The pain pushes until the vision pulls" ~ Michael Bernard Beckwith
"What are you going to do now? You've doubled down and you're still feeling, still remembering, still knowing. What do you know to be true for you; what do you finally see?"
These are the words I heard this morning while staring with tears in my eyes at my newly replanted, failing to thrive, Magnolia tree.
She was planted too close to my sun porch and one of her branches poked into my window, causing it to crack.
I moved her a few weeks ago and immediately nurtured her growth in her new surroundings.
It takes time, I assured her.
You will grow accustomed to your new foundation.
The sun will love you, water and food nourish you and you will grow big and tall and beautiful.
I can't wait to see you thrive.
"My Magnolia tree is dying!" "I did everything right and now she is turning brown and wilting!" "This isn't supposed to happen!" "She should be happy in her new spot!" "She is supposed to live!" "Damn it! I am so tired!"
"It is true that the leaves are browning and turning downward, but the roots are strong and the limbs are alive. Sometimes outer appearances show signs of despair while roots become stronger. She will survive. She will grow, she will thrive. She is loved. "
"No matter where she is?"
"No matter where she is."